I have extensive training and experience in many approaches to couples counseling and conducted research on it while in graduate school at the University of Maryland. When first meeting with a couple, I ask each partner to outline the most important irritations and disappointments that are getting in the way of intimacy and enjoyment of the other. I also ask each to give a picture of the positive aspects of the relationship -- those things that seem to work without much effort on either partner's part. Couples frequently are surprised by how many parts of their relationship are working well. With all of this information in mind, I present the partners with an outline of the approach or approaches that I believe could be of benefit to them, and together we choose a course of action.

I have learned and used many methods of working with couples. Here are a few of the couples treatments I use most frequently:

• Improving Communication
  This approach, the foundation for all other couples work, involves teaching partners the important skills of listening with awareness and speaking from feelings and experience. Many people live their lives feeling unheard-- even by those closest to them.  Countless attempts at getting their message across go unheeded, and frustration and loneliness build. Many couples engage in a cycle of blowing up at each other, expressing any and all frustrations in the most destructive language possible, followed by a cool down and avoidance period during which partners retreat into separate lives of hurt, frustration, and eventually, despair. The problem never gets resolved because the next time it is mentioned, another blow up happens. Not only is such a pattern frustrating, it can lead to deterioration, and even dissolution, of the relationship itself.

  Good listening, on the other hand, is a gift given from a listener to a speaker, and when it occurs, the speaker can unburden himself or herself from much emotional pain, confusion, and frustration. Part of the listener's job--not easy at first--is to resist the impulse to think of counter arguments while the speaker is still speaking, and instead, listen carefully to what is being said. Listening to someone, and letting him or her know you understand their message, does not imply that you agree!

  Good speaking involves the use of non-threatening, non-blaming language to convey specifically what is bothering you in the relationship and to ask for specific changes that are explained in enough detail so that the partner can understand them. Many well-intended messages start arguments because the message was framed in language that, perhaps inadvertently, offended the other partner or put him or her on the defensive. Even strong anger at a partner can be conveyed in a respectful manner so that the partner is not "tongue-lashed" in the process.

  The communication skills aspects of my couples counseling approach take place within the context of working on the difficult issues you and your partner may be facing. With my support and coaching, you are learning how to communicate with each other and practicing new skills, while you are sharing with each other the problems that are getting in the way of a satisfying relationship.

• Emphasizing the Positives
  One of the most exciting developments in the field of couples counseling has been the work in research-based relationship building and positive psychology. Championed by Martin Seligman, Ph.D., at the University of Pennsylvania, and John Gottman, Ph.D., at the University of Washington, these approaches offer techniques--many of which have been tested with couples using scientifically valid methods -- for breaking out of negative interaction patterns and making positive, relationship-enhancing actions a part of a couple's daily routine. Many studies of relationship satisfaction and stability have now demonstrated that these techniques can help couples achieve long-lasting, satisfying relationships, despite the inevitable ups and downs that are a natural part of life.

  As a Certified Graduate of Dr. Seligman's Authentic Happiness Coaching Program, I am well-versed in using the tools and concepts of positive psychology to help couples improve their relationship. As part of couples counseling, you can be coached in using the tools that have the most potential to correct the specific negative traps that you and your partner have been falling into.

• Understanding How the Past Affects the Present
  This approach, based on the work of Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. (Getting the Love You Want), looks for ways that your current difficulties relate to unique experiences in the your relationships with important others (parents, siblings) during your childhood and early adulthood. According to Dr. Hendrix, the "unfinished business" of those relationships can spill over into your current one, making it difficult to perceive or react to your partner with objectivity or clarity. In counseling, each partner identifies his or her "imago," or pattern of relating based on childhood experiences, and then takes a look at how this imago is affecting the relationship. Further work involves each partner's identifying and asking for what he or she needs from the other in order to begin healing from childhood wounds. At the same time, each partner becomes aware of what the other partner is yearning for from the relationship, and learns how to give it. I have witnessed many couples turn their relationships into nurturing, invigorating, inviting places to be using this approach.

• Learning How Your Personal Styles Interact
  Used in workplaces around the world, the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator is a scientifically validated method of identifying a person's characteristic preferences for getting along in the world. There are 16 basic “types,” with profiles such as the extroverted thinking/sensing type, the introverted intuitive/feeling type, and so on. Each partner can identify his or her own style, and the partner's, and then take a look at how any two people with these styles would interact--where are the strengths, and where are the trouble spots.  Using the Myers-Briggs types in couples counseling helps partners understand what makes their partner tick. For example, an introvert likes to run for cover when stress hits. His extroverted partner craves closeness under the same circumstances. She thinks he's avoiding her, but in fact he's simply taking care of himself according to his natural style. Counseling can help couples negotiate ways of meeting both partners' needs at least to some degree.

  An additional approach that can shed light on how personal styles and preferences affect couples relationships is based on the work of Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D., who wrote the book The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. Dr. Aron estimates that between 15 and 20 percent of Americans have the highly sensitive trait, which makes them more easily overwhelmed by the normal demands of intimate relationships. When the special needs and preferences of the highly sensitive partner are accommodated, the benefits of his or her sensitivity can help the couple enjoy a deeply rewarding relationship.

• Factoring in Natural Differences
  In the 1990s, the best-selling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray, Ph.D., brought to the forefront the often dramatic differences in how men and women view the world. While I don't believe this book is the final word on men and women, it does provide important insight into the traps couples frequently fall into by simply responding as any member of their own sex would. It turns out that "that thing" your partner does which drives you crazy is just a man being a man, or a woman being a woman. Armed with this information, a partner can at least stop expecting the other to change dramatically to be more like the opposite sex. Again, couples counseling can help the partners negotiate ways of making the differences between them enjoyable, and not destructive to the relationship.

• Finding Spiritual Growth through Partnership
  For many people, the relationship with their partner presents opportunities to grow and develop into a more spiritually centered person. I draw from the work of many religious and spiritual traditions to assist couples in looking at their relationship from a spiritual perspective and to draw the strength from their religion to forge ahead in their relationship with unconditional love, forgiveness, and healing.  All faiths are welcome in this process and I frequently work with a couple's pastor, rabbi, priest, or spiritual teacher to help the couple achieve spiritual union and union with God within their relationship.

These are just samples of the theories and techniques that I use to help couples achieve their goals in counseling. I also am open to discussing books or approaches that the couple would like to explore. If you would like more information on whether counseling can help you with difficulties in your relationship, please contact me to get more information.