If you have recently discovered your partner's affair, you may need help ...

Getting through the Crisis

The first hours, days, and weeks after discovering an affair are the most difficult. Strong emotions are normal and understandable. It is very important to care for yourself and not try to handle this alone.

• Seek compassionate support from friends, family, a counselor, a pastor, or anyone normally looked to for help and support.
• Spend time away from home by visiting a friend or family member, even if it involves routine activities. You need you need some breathing room to start sorting out your feelings.
• Do things that normally provide comfort, such as working out, getting a massage, taking a hot bath, going for long walks, and visiting places that are soothing, such as spiritual or natural settings.
• Avoid doing things that ultimately will harm you. It is natural to want to dull your feelings, but binge eating, using alcohol or drugs, or acting out through other compulsive behaviors will do you more harm than good.
• Consult a pastor or other supportive person in your faith tradition to unburden yourself, ask for guidance, and get a spiritual perspective on your situation.

Handling Conversations with Your Partner

Talking with your partner about your feelings and asking questions about the affair are important to your healing process. You have a right to know what happened, the current status of your partner's contact with the person, and what your partner's intentions are regarding the person.

Remember that you are likely to feel worse, not better, as you learn more about the affair. It is important that you protect yourself and others from the intensity of your feelings. Regardless of how much your partner has hurt you, how you handle yourself know will make a big difference when you look back at this painful time.

• Neither your urge to push your partner into talking about the affair, nor your partner's urge to avoid talking, is helpful. Setting some ground rules can make regular, productive conversations more likely.
  • Avoid marathon discussions, no more than an hour at a time and two hours per day. Forcing long conversations could shut your partner down emotionally.
  • Avoid discussing the affair when either of you is at work, in a hurry, or cannot pay full attention. And don't discuss the affair in front of your children.
  • Don't discuss the affair after 11 pm or before 7 am, no matter how upset you are. It's difficult to be your best self when you and your partner are exhausted.
  • Take a time out if conversations become destructive. Tell your partner you need a break and together schedule a time to resume after you both have calmed down. During the time out, force yourself to think about other things or do something unrelated to the affair. Physical activity can help work the adrenaline out of your system.
  • Try to have brief, daily conversations about routine matters e.g., the kids or work schedules. Avoid the urge to bring up the affair at these times.
• While it is natural to want to know everything about the affair, avoid asking for graphic details that could be difficult to deal with later.
• You should find out the nature of any outside sexual contact your partner has had, in the event you need to schedule a physical exam to rule out sexually transmitted diseases.
• Focus on the emotional aspects of the affair, such as what your partner felt when with the other person, what your partner told him- or herself to justify the affair, how much sharing about your relationship occurred, and where the affair was headed when it was discovered.
• If your partner says he or she was in love with the other person, remember that affairs create emotional confusion, and the excitement of a new relationship is easily confused with love. Over time, your partner will be able to give you a clearer answer about feelings for the other person.
• Avoid the temptation to take revenge, shame your partner publicly, bad-mouth your partner to family and friends, make a scene, stalk or confront the other person, or take other destructive actions. No matter how intense your emotions are and how deep your pain, acting on impulses during the crisis accomplishes nothing and adds to the damage that must be dealt with later.

Getting Additional Help

If your talks about the affair are getting nowhere or you think counseling might help you sort out your feelings, feel free to contact us for assistance and a free telephone consultation.